I’ve faked it… Do I really have it in me to ever make it?

“I’m not nearly as good enough,” declared an ex-colleague unequivocally.  I stared at him wide-eyed, thinking of what to say next. This is the man everyone was all praises about. This man knew his job and did it well. And yet he stood there with an apparent air of ineptitude. Humility, I assessed. His next sentence stunned me though.
“Anytime now; they’ll know I’m a fake… and my career is over.”

This wasn’t the emotion of humility; this had a much deeper psychological connotation. If a constant feeling of being undeserving of your success nags you too, then you’re among the likes of Chuck Lorre (Big Bang Theory fame), Meryl Streep… and many other high achievers who suffer from the imposter syndrome.

On one hand, being a neurotic imposter can drive people to perform at the best of their ability. But it also signifies a feeling of incompetence that lurks in the background, which may sabotage the prospects of a thriving career. This is reason enough for managers to recognise early signs and help the confident achiever in you overcome the neurotic imposter. 
Neurotic imposters stand out by displaying very stereotypical behavioural traits.

• NIs are workaholics. They strive to achieve the unrealistic goals they set for themselves.
• They are perfectionists. This is the main reason behind them being less inclined to delegate tasks and often micromanage their team.
• They often cannot mentor. Their attitude to micromanage often gives an impression that they do not trust their team members.
• They ‘feel’ incompetent. They’re constantly plagued by a feeling of not living up to expectations.
• They often attribute their success to external factors, like luck. Therefore there is an evident lack of self-confidence.

It’s important to understand that the imposter syndrome develops with certain experiences. A neurotic imposter may have been bullied during childhood, or their abilities fell short before an advantaged rival. Feelings of insecurity may also creep in when people are promoted or trusted with a gamut of other responsibilities, triggered mostly by the fear of failure; the higher you climb, the scarier it gets. Whatever the reason, it’s important to nip the imposter syndrome in the bud.

The first step to remedying any condition is its identification. Now that you decided to continue reading further itself suggests that you may have associated with the condition. Here is a list of some simple strategies that can be employed to counteract the imposter syndrome.

Focus on the end result and communicate it: Don’t rush into things. Set some time aside to lay out a plan with the end result in mind and relay it to your team. Outline what you want and to what standard. There should be a dialogue which reveals what is realistically achievable and how.

Focus on your achievements: You might often feel that you mount up to nothing, especially when in reception of a negative feedback. This is the right time to muse over your past achievements and draw the drive to succeed from them. Negative feedbacks are constructive feedbacks often conveyed in the wrong words.

Allow yourself time to learn and apply what you learn: Every new opportunity is a chance to apply what you’ve learnt in the past and learn new things. Allow yourself the luxury of making mistakes. Remember you are a learner.

Set SMART goals: It is important to consider whether the goals you set are achievable.

Accept assistance: Part of this come from trusting in the abilities of your team members and delegating tasks that they can perform without having sleepless nights. This will also give a chance to your team members to learn something new. Et voila! You have a more effectual team.

Balance your work life: Teamwork is sharing of responsibility which does not disrupt work-life balance. Once realistic goals are set and tasks delegated, it’s easy and worthwhile to strike a balance between professional and personal lives.

Ask for feedback: Your superiors are not the only ones who are likely to give you feedback. Consider asking your subordinates for constructive feedback too. They might offer a whole new perspective on things that might surprise you.   

Take credit: As important as it is to give others credit for jobs done well, it is important to take credit for one’s achievements. What one accomplishes is a direct result of the effort one puts in. So give yourself a pat on the back sometimes; you’ve earned it.

Lastly, it’s important to understand that ridding yourself of the imposter syndrome is a process, and will require constant effort from your end. It requires you to change your perspective and know that you can’t control everything. Simultaneously, it should be an enjoyable journey; not a stressed achievement rampage. 

Lips Don’t Lie

When Scarlett O’Hara asked Mammy to make her a flattering dress out of the portieres, she had a very specific purpose in mind; to charm Rhett Butler. It’s a pity she didn’t use the lipstick instead.

The real reason behind a simple incident born in the thoughts of Margaret Mitchell in 1939, and was lost equally easily in the pages of ‘Gone with the Wind,’ was elaborated upon by a curious group of researchers almost seven decades later.

Amidst the 2008 recession when unemployment went through the roof and a great many companies, in almost all sectors, registered record plummeting of sales, one industry did not just stay afloat but actually saw an increase of almost 6% in sales. This was none other than the cosmetic titan, L’Oréal. Those who sat to speculate could not attribute L’Oréal’s success to any incredible business strategy; rather the answer came from evolutionary psychology, especially the mating psychology of women and may be, lies somewhere in our concept of beauty.

Make-up, especially lipstick, is not a vain modern invention. Tinting lips in face decoration has played a very important role in civilizations for thousands of years. Both men and women of the Ancient Sumerian civilization used gemstone powder, a luxury only the rich could afford, to tint lips in an attempt to attract the opposite sex; a very powerful emotion in evolutionary psychology of mankind.

Each civilisation has witnessed periods of abundance and scarcity alike. Where periods of abundance may trigger different mating patterns in humans, ferocious competition arises during scarcity. Beautification during scarcity was mainly to attract a resourceful mate. This principle pretty much holds true even today. Signs and symbols that were explicit in the ancient times may have been reduced to mere innuendoes as the world has progressed and has become more civilized, nonetheless, have not been wiped out and never will. Scarcity in the ancient world, which could be the times of famines or droughts, signified a man’s inability to provide food for his mate and offsprings. For single women, it also meant nonavailability of quality mates. So during these times, the efforts to attract a quality male partner are amplified. Today it entails unemployment or lack of monetary support and security that a man can provide, which is often the case during economic recessions.

‘The lipstick effect’ as it was termed, apparently had not occurred for the first time in 2008. During the Great Depression (1929-33) cosmetic sales rose while US industrial production was cut by 50%. All employees in Beiersdorf kept their jobs while unemployment was on the rise in Germany. Japan saw a 10% rise in the sales of accessories while the disposable income remained stagnant or has even reduced since 1997. Stock market investors can rest assured if they have invested in the cosmetics industry. This is a recession-proof industry; numbers don’t lie.

While the hypotheses itself falls short on the number of factors that are at play in the game of attraction; it does present an aspect of human behaviour and the primal instincts of homo sapiens. It articulates the importance of security needs which is pretty much ingrained in our DNA. 

Your true love is not on Tinder!

When a colleague narrated her successful ‘I-met-my-husband-online’ story to a mixed bunch of us, relationship status ranging from singles to complicated to married; I blurted out, “Girl, you were just among the lucky 8%.” The rest of the evening was a haze. Every time I passed a single, their eyes shot daggers at me.

My grandparents had had an arranged marriage; they lived happily until my granddad passed away. Not just them, I can cite a lot of examples from the greatest generation, the Baby Boomers, and the Gen X with the same success story. All these accounts however, share one thing in common; none of them happened online. In this advanced information age, however, love is just a click away, or so they say.

Pew Research Center reveals some startling statistics about marriage and relationship statuses. In 1960, 59% adults of marriageable age were married compared to just a 20% in 2011. 64% adults of marriageable age today are neither married nor living with a partner. There has also been a 0.3% decrease in the number of people having more than one sexual partner from 1988-96 to 2002-10.

It’s not that Millennials don’t want to get married (61% actually do want to get married someday) or do not value a lasting romantic relationship (8 out of 10 value a genuine relationship). To help this woebegone generation find love, there are about 3000 websites offering online dating services. And 1 in 5 adults actually makes use of these religiously. Then why do statistics indicate otherwise.

The answer is ‘Analysis Paralysis’.

Too many choices

According to Forbes, in US alone there are about 1000 new options for dating every year. That means 1 thousand more potential partners at any given time. Choices can be overwhelming and a thousand is a fairly large number. Psychology proves that the more options available for a given situation, the less likely it is to derive at a concrete conclusion and the more likely is the choice to go awry. Humans are subconsciously aware of this and therefore there is less effort to hold onto a relationship with a match found online. Hence, a rise in the number of short term relationships.

Selection criteria

In the real world, you decide whether you want a relationship with a person based on the how much you like them. In the virtual world, apart from an extraordinarily pretty profile picture, there are a myriad other criteria to consider; even favourite colour may serve as one.

                                                                Misrepresentation

There are many profiles present that are poles apart from the actual person. This can lead to serious misjudgement and even heartache for those who wear their heart on their sleeves. But who exactly, is to blame for this? Again, when dating online, people are at a loss of genuine human contact. They are choosy given the wide selection criteria and based on petty criterion, may write off a potential match as incompatible.

There may be someone better out there

There’s always a nagging feeling about the many potential matches out there that a person may miss out on once they've found someone reasonably compatible. This not only makes the current engagement a trial but also reduces the amount of effort they’d be ready to put into the relationship to make it work.  

Lastly, all the fuss about finding the 'right' match leads to stress and in many cases depression. It shouldn't come as a surprise that most Millennials have managed to stay out of serious relationships for so long, or use dating sites only for flings. If you find this piece of truth disturbing, then a sensible thing to do would be to get offline. Try the jogger's park or the library instead. There are more chances of getting connected with a soul mate here than anywhere online.