Letting Them Go

Parenting is an easy task. Good parenting doesn't exactly fit in the category of easy tasks. Most couples enter this new phase with a preconceived set of notions. There are books available that are again born out of the unique experiences and issues that people face everyday in order to give these new breed of parents a chance at excelling at this daunting task. There is no 'one size fits all'. Whilst there is a lot of help available on how and what we should teach our children, there is absolutely no literature available that tells parents how much or what they may learn; nothing that would tell them or give them an inkling about how they would need to learn to let go.

One afternoon, my mother came back from work and saw me running around the house, collecting stuff. A suitcase lay open half filled with my clothes. I dumped the things I had in my hand in the suitcase and dashed out of the room for another round. She was flabbergasted for a few moments, trying to grasp the status-quo. When she found her voice, she posed the question. "What's happening? Where are you going?" I did not reply the first time, thinking, calculating, trying to carve out a defence argument if she says the dreaded word, 'No'. She put her bag down on a table and started following me around the house. She forgot how hungry and tired she was. All she wanted to know was where am I planning to go.

When I dumped the last set of things in the suitcase and was convinced that I had enough clothes and toiletries to last for the next twelve days. I turned to her and said, "I have to go to a camp I have volunteered for and it begins in precisely 2 hours."

She was looking at me with large questioning eyes and I saw she was struggling to find words.
"Where is it being held?" I told her the address. "For how many days?" I said 12. Her eyes widened. "You should wait for your dad and ask for his permission."

"Mom, no, I'm not waiting for him to be back. I have given my word and I have to report in 2 hours." I bet she hadn't seen this coming when she allowed her 13 year old daughter to enrol in the military cadet corps. I could see she was thinking hard. For what seemed like a few moments, she asked, "Am I allowed to come and see you?" I hugged her tight, "Yes, you can. Every evening."

I don't know if she realised it then or not that she had just crossed a huge milestone in her journey as a parent. She had learnt to think beyond the age old question that gnaws at every mother's heart. Will my children be safe? She had learnt to let her little baby girl go.

No guide on parenting has ever mentioned it; a lesson that my mother and countless other parents learn everyday only by experience- You will have to let your children go. One day, you will have to stop protecting them and let them learn to live by themselves. You will have to let them spread their wings if you want to see them soar. 

Finding a Balance

For years I had been taught that for a relationship to be lasting and fulfilling, I’d have to be generous beyond my comfort zone. Maintaining healthy relationships does take some effort and I might have to be on the giving end quite often to be accepted and loved. It’s only after I got married, I realised that I couldn't have been more wrong.

Marriage was synonymous with change for me. It meant I had to completely strip myself off my old self and be a brand new me. I was an independent woman and had never stepped into the kitchen apart from the times I had to fix myself some instant noodles. I liked to sleep in on holidays and pamper myself. I had a head on my shoulders and held my own unbiased opinions about the world around me.

All that changed after marriage with a lot of effort on my part. I started spending time in the kitchen trying to create things that would please my new family. I used to be up early regardless of the time I had hit the sack, a habit that would make my new family accept and love me. I had things taken care of before they even thought about it. I showered them with gifts every now and then. I tried to accept traditions that made my new family happy regardless of my own likes and dislikes. And since I was putting in so much effort, I did expect some appreciation in return.

The time I had for myself soon dwindled to a few minutes a day. I gave up reading, a passion since childhood, simply because there was no more time. A day of never-ending domestic chores, being over-accommodating, and always nodding in agreement out of the fear of offending someone, was enough to suck all energy out of me.

Soon discontentment settled it. I was in constant battle with myself to stop nodding at things I did not believe in. I craved for more personal time to get back in tune with myself. My body was demanding more rest. I desperately wanted to be me again. 

Time passed and people forgot all the gifts and the good things I'd done. My obligation to do what I thought was expected of me was misunderstood as a belittling act. My exercising caution to keep away from sensitive family issues was taken to be dis-involvement and indifference. I faced frequent criticism over my culinary skills and I was constantly dealing with snide remarks instead of the appreciation I had expected for all my services. Yet, I absorbed everything negative, never venting it out. I spent sleepless nights rewinding the incidents and thinking where I went wrong or what I should have said or done. I was in a pitiable state and a feeling of being victimised began gnawing at me.  I couldn't quite understand where it had all gone wrong. I was doing my job, but there was no result, no appreciation, no acceptance; only judgement. And so, I ruminated on this problem often, reliving all the hurt, refusing to let go off the baggage.

And then one day, everything came crashing down. I had been too much on the giving end for too long and had exhausted myself out. A war of words broke out, flared by my incapability of expressing my true feelings and their incapacity to understand it.

It was only after a year that it dawned on me what had gone wrong. I had felt unappreciated, that was my part of the problem; the other part was that others had always been on the receiving end. They had the need to be appreciated too, which I had failed to fulfil. That’s when I switched sides and put myself on the receiving end doing my bit whenever required and allowing myself the luxury of not always being perfect. 

Miraculously, things changed for the better. I realised that simple things like appreciating my mother-in-law for something she had cooked would have worked; only that she would have had to fight her way through my excessively accommodating nature to receive that appreciation. Or I would have thanked my father-in-law for a lift, had I not been awfully concerned about the inconvenience it would cause him. All these were missed opportunities. 

A relationship is a balance between giving and receiving and no relationship with an imbalance of these two elements can survive and thrive. Though, the wounds of the past have left their mark, I guess I'd just bank on time to do what it does best; heal.

Confronting Fear

Emotions add spice to our lives. Psychologists have spent years of research in understanding the causes and effects of emotions on human activity, both physical and mental. One of the most intriguing is the emotion of fear. Psychologists define fear as the emotional response to an alleged threat; simply the awareness and anticipation of perceived danger. Self-preservation is one of the primal urges of mankind and fear is the cause of the survival instinct against any potential external threat. Fear is one feeling that brings about a lot of physical activity in the human body. Some of them may be faster heart beat, dryness in the mouth because of the improper functioning of the salivary glands, sweating (especially in the palms), tightness in the abdomen etc.

The autonomic nervous system is responsible for the visceral functions of the human body. Its two responses that keep the functions of the body in balance are sympathetic and parasympathetic. The sympathetic responses allow the body to function under duress. Parasympathetic allows the body to repose and relax, thereby having an absolutely opposite effect on the body from that of the sympathetic. Fear can be better understood as one of the conditions stimulated by sympathetic responses in the body. The response is caused by the release of adrenaline, noradrenaline and the steroid cortisol.

The process is always physical, chemical and then rational. As soon as the body comes in contact with an external fear stimulant, the sympathetic responses of the body are activated resulting in the release of chemicals. Every time a person encounters a situation where he experiences fear, the human mind chooses between two options, fight or flight. In order to prepare itself for the fight-or-flight mode, the body automatically performs a number of functions so as to be ready for either a quick action or a quick escape.

1. The heart rate increases and pumps more blood to the muscles and brain
2. The air intake in the lungs is faster in order to supply oxygen to the body
3. The pupils of the eyes dilate to improve vision
4. The activity in the digestive and urinary systems slows down for those particular moments to facilitate the mind to concentrate on the fearful thing at hand. 

The third step is rational, where the mind reasons whether the stimulant is actually harmful or not. Sometimes, the same situation or physical condition can be experienced without any apparent stimulant, person or situation. Such a condition is termed as 'Anxiety'. Fear holds a close relation with many phenomena, such as, worry, caution, horror, and panic.

The intensity of fear varies. It is a part of evolution for human beings. Most of the time fear depends on the conditioning of a child's mind. Conditioned fear infuses dread for otherwise harmless and inconsequential things being associated with danger. Past experiences also serve as conditioners. For instance, once a child is hurt as a result of burning his finger after touching a hot pan, he invariably takes precaution the next time. This is termed as the mildest forms of fear; precaution. Suppose a child has experienced being shut alone in an elevator, he may develop claustrophobia in the later years of life. This is a more intensified feeling of fear. A phobia can rouse frustration to the extremes. Experiences of fear may be forgotten by the conscious state of mind but can be stored in the unconscious and may resurface as nightmares. Such a situation may lead to paranoia. Extreme fear can lead to many pathological conditions such as schizophrenia and post-traumatic stress disorder. Unconditioned fear is instinctive. It cannot be learnt, rather, it is more of a heritage from our ancestors.

Research has revealed that a person feeds his own fear. People are social by nature. The most deep rooted fear of man lies in 'being isolated'. This has bred the apprehensions of being abandoned, losing security and ones identity, feelings of inferiority and discrimination, losing face etc. These feelings often incite people to behave irrationally. Much of the anti-social behavior of people is a direct consequence of these fears. However, fear can prove to be healthy too. Psychologists term degrees of fear as 'good' or 'bad'. The fear of uncontrollable things is only upsetting; however, if there is room for improvement induced by fear, it is a much healthier condition of fear. For example, the fear of being humiliated may lead a student to work harder for his/her exams and attain a better result.

To get rid of fear, it's important to face it first. The best way to tackle fear is being aware of the nature of it; being aware of the kind of feelings it arouses and what are the outcomes of it. There are many behavioral techniques devised by psychologists to reduce the feelings of fear and thereby reduce stress. Most importantly, it is necessary to understand and accept the fact that everyone has the same underlying fears. This feeling of empathy helps us to deal with fear in a much better manner and get results faster.

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Yup, that's me.