Be Selfish, Be Happy

Being a woman is not easy. Before you form an opinion about me or what you are about to read, I want to tell you that I'm in the least bit feminist.

So, yes, being a woman is not easy. We grow up causing our guardians to live under a cloud of uncertainty. They empower us with education but have no say when it comes to us making a choice to continue with our careers or invest that time in bringing up our families. If we do choose to be work women, we still have to shoulder great responsibility at home and practically speaking, this responsibility is seldom shared. Because, well, we have working partners or spouses. 

Anyway, I don't know if you are beginning to see my point here. We are conditioned to place ourselves in the second place. We are taught from the very first conscious thought to accommodate others first. Any instrument of self expression, be it a career you are passionate about, or a hobby you may want to pursue; your simple likes and dislikes even when it comes to what's-there-for-dinner take a back seat if they interfere with the routines and choices of those who matter in your lives. We are expected to act selflessly. But does this make us happy human beings? Does this make us happy women?

A selfless act once in a while is good. But what if you have to act selflessly at almost every instance in your life. I have heard many women fret and complain about the selfless acts they have been performing everyday and how unimportant they felt. So, here's a piece of advice exclusively for all my dear female counterparts. Be Selfish!

Don't wait for people to respect you. Command it!

One night, I was too brain-dead, fagged out, and in no mood to cook a meal. Copy editors too get tired; reading crap the whole day is no piece of cake. I knew my husband had had a busy week too. At dinner time, when he asked what was there for dinner, I told him I was in no mood. That night he cooked a delicious gourmet meal for us. It was a good break from the kitchen for me and a great stress relieving activity for him. 

It is a very small incident but the implication is huge. It is the right to say 'No' to things you don't want to do and people respecting you enough to accept it; no questions asked. 

Voice your opinion 

Having a firm commitment to what you believe in is an intricate part of who you are and what others make of you. If you like or dislike something, assert your opinion even if it does not align with that of others'. But then again, it was never meant to be. You are unique. It only shows that you are an important individual and know what you want. Give yourself importance, the world will follow.

Take time out

That's a difficult one for all the home makers out there who go with the flow in their respective homes. Take time out to do things you like to do. Don't shrink your personal time because it clashes with the routine of your family. Spending time alone and being in tune with your inner self is important. 

Pamper yourself

Yes, you are an marvellous creation and you deserve a bit of pampering. People will respect you more if you take care of yourself. They derive conclusions about how you expect to be treated by the way you present yourself. 

Create

Do what makes you happy. Have a activity or a hobby you can excel at. Create something without looking for approval from others. 

You are solely responsible for your happiness

Above all, the responsibility of your happiness lies with you. Make yourself a priority. You are the only one who can bear the emotional burden of keeping yourself happy. 

Find happiness in the little things that you, as an individual would like to do. The happier you are, the more you will love yourself, the lesser regrets you will have in life, and the better you will be able to care for your family. Now, that's a win-win situation.

10 Things to do Before a Baby Rocks Your World

So, you've come out victorious in answering the most enervating question of life: to commit or not to commit. And now you intend to spend your life with that special someone. Marriage is a big change and it may take a good few years to even get used to the idea. But as soon as you think you're getting there, people, especially you know who, start bombarding you with questions about your intentions to expand as a family. If you’re nodding your head in agreement, rest assured, you’re not alone.

As women, we know that sooner or later our maternal instincts shall kick in. The miniature version of you, with the pitter-patter of tiny feet, incessant and incoherent babble, food smeared pout, and chubby cheeks, sounds uber cute but is an energy sucker to a behemothic degree. This is change in its profound sense. The other things that come along with parenting will suck-up most of your energy and your couple-time will either shrink infinitesimally or cease to exist altogether. With babies comes routine, which isn’t always good for adults. Often a feeling of emptiness creeps in throwing the emotional state of couples out of whack.

So, here is my concise list of things you can do now to make this time together the most fulfilling experience. 

It takes two to Tango

Allegorically speaking, tango for beginners is marriage in the fast forward mode. Stepping on each other’s feet, losing balance and supporting each other, rocking in tune and trusting enough to fall into each other's arms. It builds trust and prepares couples for the support they’ll need from each other. Besides, tango is sexy. Full-stop.

Go backpacking

Ladies, this is the time to prove to your partner that you can read maps. Jokes apart, this is a revelatory experience. It gives couples a deep insight into each other’s capacity to hold on in tough situations, their resourcefulness and the ability to take the lead.  

Cook together

This is by far the most fulfilling experience for me. While crafting a culinary masterpiece every time they step into the kitchen may not be the strong point of many partners/spouses, cooking meals together strengthens couples as a team. It instils the feelings of acceptance and appreciation for each other. You can do it even when the new member joins your camp, but things are going to be super-duper messy.  

Go for long drives

Going for long drives without a destination in mind is a great way to unwind and let go off things. Apart from being fun, following the road is a reminder to take things as they come. Often we worry a lot about the future which makes parenting more stressful. This activity will remind you to enjoy the journey.

Buy a House

House hunting is an exhausting process. Nonetheless, it’s worth investing time and money before you add more members to your family. The feeling of having a place you can call your own is second to nothing. It gives couples space to spread their legs and stimulates creative thought. Besides, you don't want to be moving houses with a baby on board.  

Take a vacation to an exotic locale

Go for a second honeymoon. And if your financial situation permits, a third and a fourth. Surround yourself with natural beauty. There is nothing more romantic than taking a long walk along the beach hand-in-hand, or having a candle light dinner in an exotic location. It'll be a long while until you can have all that time to yourself. 

Have a common friend circle

It is important to have a robust support system outside of your immediate family. Have common friends of all age groups from different stage of life, even empty nesters. Firstly, it is easier to share things with friends that we mostly wouldn't share with our next of kin. Secondly, it is a chance for couples to learn about relationships and parenting, vicariously. And as they fulfil your support needs, you can have a chance to do the same for them along the way. 

Don’t buy a car; buy a Campervan

Yes, you read it; A Campervan. Ditch the comfort of your couch for a month and live off the road; work can wait. You will come back tanned and ugly but a brand new person. And who knows how long until you hit the road again?

Be involved in each other's passion

I live and breathe books. Written word is to me as a screwdriver drill is to my husband. We understand that. We have regular trips to book stores and warehouses and influence each other's decisions for the better. As important as it is to give each other space to pursue your respective passions, it is important to be involved in it, even if all you can do is offer a dilettante's perspective. It is a great way to empower each other. 

Financial independence and stability

This is a very powerful position to be in. Women may want to continue to work or be stay-at-home mums to take care of their little one/s. Being financially independent gives the power of choice to women. Financial stability will pay your bills while you enjoy motherhood and will alleviate the burden on your partners so that they can enjoy parenting as much as you will.   

Hitler's War

Cover page: Hitler's War, David Irving

There are those who believe what they have been told. There are those who go with the flow.  There are those who contemplate. And then there are those who like to question and reason.

The early 20th century witnessed the rise of the Nazi regime which proliferated throughout the 20's and 30's until it wreaked havoc on the world, wiping away a major chunk of the human race and heritage. The Nazi ideologies were so widespread that it intimidated half the world about the consequences if it was left unchecked and would come to power.

Genocide has been an undeniable part of our history. For all that we've been taught during history lectures, the simple reason behind this Darwinistic idea of mass human extermination was ethnic cleansing; the wiping out of the less desirable, the less adaptable, and the less equipped to create a more superior and strong race. The most talked about among the many genocides that the world has witnessed is the holocaust; the horrifically unforgettable and appalling massacre of the European Jewry.

But did it really unfold as we know it? Was 'race' really the reason? A slightest implication of this idea would offend quite a large number of people and anyone saying so or even discussing the possibility may be termed as a pro-nazi; not a very desirable title. The book, Hitler's War audaciously tackles this very idea. While, it has been applauded by a new breed of thinkers called 'Holocaust Deniers', it has also been the subject of condemnation from holocaust survivors and independent political historians worldwide.

It is an unpretentious account of 'behind the scene' activity among the high ranking officials of the Nazi party, NSDAP, during World War II. It presents factual information aligning them with the timeline in the rule of the Third Reich and places them against the knowledge that we have about it till date. It exposes the thought process of Nazi Germany. It cultivates the idea that Adolf Hitler was oblivious to the happenings in the concentration camps mainly because he couldn't have been bothered with it when they were being attacked from all directions; when there were far more important things at stake than exercising his personal hatred for a group of people. It also sheds some light on Hitler's persona.

It may seem slightly biased towards clearing up the image of the Nazis that we have, yet it leaves ample cognitive space for the readers to draw their own conclusions.

Finding a Balance

For years I had been taught that for a relationship to be lasting and fulfilling, I’d have to be generous beyond my comfort zone. Maintaining healthy relationships does take some effort and I might have to be on the giving end quite often to be accepted and loved. It’s only after I got married, I realised that I couldn't have been more wrong.

Marriage was synonymous with change for me. It meant I had to completely strip myself off my old self and be a brand new me. I was an independent woman and had never stepped into the kitchen apart from the times I had to fix myself some instant noodles. I liked to sleep in on holidays and pamper myself. I had a head on my shoulders and held my own unbiased opinions about the world around me.

All that changed after marriage with a lot of effort on my part. I started spending time in the kitchen trying to create things that would please my new family. I used to be up early regardless of the time I had hit the sack, a habit that would make my new family accept and love me. I had things taken care of before they even thought about it. I showered them with gifts every now and then. I tried to accept traditions that made my new family happy regardless of my own likes and dislikes. And since I was putting in so much effort, I did expect some appreciation in return.

The time I had for myself soon dwindled to a few minutes a day. I gave up reading, a passion since childhood, simply because there was no more time. A day of never-ending domestic chores, being over-accommodating, and always nodding in agreement out of the fear of offending someone, was enough to suck all energy out of me.

Soon discontentment settled it. I was in constant battle with myself to stop nodding at things I did not believe in. I craved for more personal time to get back in tune with myself. My body was demanding more rest. I desperately wanted to be me again. 

Time passed and people forgot all the gifts and the good things I'd done. My obligation to do what I thought was expected of me was misunderstood as a belittling act. My exercising caution to keep away from sensitive family issues was taken to be dis-involvement and indifference. I faced frequent criticism over my culinary skills and I was constantly dealing with snide remarks instead of the appreciation I had expected for all my services. Yet, I absorbed everything negative, never venting it out. I spent sleepless nights rewinding the incidents and thinking where I went wrong or what I should have said or done. I was in a pitiable state and a feeling of being victimised began gnawing at me.  I couldn't quite understand where it had all gone wrong. I was doing my job, but there was no result, no appreciation, no acceptance; only judgement. And so, I ruminated on this problem often, reliving all the hurt, refusing to let go off the baggage.

And then one day, everything came crashing down. I had been too much on the giving end for too long and had exhausted myself out. A war of words broke out, flared by my incapability of expressing my true feelings and their incapacity to understand it.

It was only after a year that it dawned on me what had gone wrong. I had felt unappreciated, that was my part of the problem; the other part was that others had always been on the receiving end. They had the need to be appreciated too, which I had failed to fulfil. That’s when I switched sides and put myself on the receiving end doing my bit whenever required and allowing myself the luxury of not always being perfect. 

Miraculously, things changed for the better. I realised that simple things like appreciating my mother-in-law for something she had cooked would have worked; only that she would have had to fight her way through my excessively accommodating nature to receive that appreciation. Or I would have thanked my father-in-law for a lift, had I not been awfully concerned about the inconvenience it would cause him. All these were missed opportunities. 

A relationship is a balance between giving and receiving and no relationship with an imbalance of these two elements can survive and thrive. Though, the wounds of the past have left their mark, I guess I'd just bank on time to do what it does best; heal.

Silence

Before, I used to practise silence because of the lack of understanding; now, I practise silence because of it’s adequacy. 

 - Candid Cadence

The Reader

If they would pay to just sit and read books day in and day out, I would have been a billionaire by now.

Writer's Block

When you face the writer's block, you know it's time to snuggle up with a great book and cup of piping hot coffee.