At Work, LOL!

It was a new job, loads to learn and fast. I was constantly juggling multiple tasks and fighting deadlines; needless to say trying to fit into the system and getting my head around the very many ‘processes’, if you catch my drift. This was serious stuff and had no room for error. The result, all work with no time to catch my breath, constant meetups, many MOMs, and countless tasks to follow up on.

During one such meeting, my manager concluded a serious discussion with the punchline,

“…it’s like making a vampire the caretaker of a blood bank…”

You may think I have a warped sense of humour, but this cracked me up. A gale of laughter erupted, and the tension about the whole issue dissipated. After a few giggles, we both got back to work with relatively more ease than ever before.

Having a good sense of humour is a quality that is always underrated, or rather, is never articulated when it comes to developing managerial skills. No business school has ever dedicated a course or part of it to developing a sense of humour in their curricula. For some people, there’s no grey area when it comes to a good sense of humour; you either have it or you don’t.

There is no universal definition for humour either. It is culture specific; what may seem hilarious to an American may be considered impudent in Japan. And, it is context specific. The type of jokes that would appeal to a marketer and a financial advisor are different. The Humour Code deals with this subjectivity of humour at length. A catch phrase would be considered funny when it’s wrong yet okay, unsettling yet acceptable, and threatening yet safe. If this principle in particular is ignored, there is a far greater probability for attempts at humour to go awry or in certain cases, horribly wrong. So, is it possible for managers to use humour in order to manage better? If so, why?

1.   Trust

Applying this principle gives an impression that the manager is not oblivious to the employee’s plight. Hence, is a very good way of earning the team’s/subordinate’s trust.

2.   Engage easily

Managers who use this strategy coupled with an understanding of the counterpart’s psychology engage easily and are adept at creating and maintaining transparency among the team.

3.   Creates a jovial organisational climate

Humour is essential merely because it make people laugh and connect; workplace happiness is a very essential element in employee satisfaction and therefore, retention.

4.   Are more emotionally intelligent

Managers who can successfully do this are deemed emotionally intelligent which is the building block of people management.

The good news is that a sense of humour can be developed, although it requires a little effort in seeing things with a new perspective. A lot of books probe into it, focussing on jokes and what kind of humour makes people laugh. Unfortunately, they fall short in offering an insight into how these can be employed in today’s global workplace. That will only come with a lot of interpersonal communication, experience, and numerous failed attempts at humour. In short, epigrammatic (peers, subordinates), highbrow (like-minded), self-deprecating (peers), or deadpan (superiors, peers, subordinates) are all acceptable at a workplace provided they be executed with extreme caution in order to avoid going overboard with them. On the other hand, aggressive humour is best left alone.

I’ve faked it… Do I really have it in me to ever make it?

“I’m not nearly as good enough,” declared an ex-colleague unequivocally.  I stared at him wide-eyed, thinking of what to say next. This is the man everyone was all praises about. This man knew his job and did it well. And yet he stood there with an apparent air of ineptitude. Humility, I assessed. His next sentence stunned me though.
“Anytime now; they’ll know I’m a fake… and my career is over.”

This wasn’t the emotion of humility; this had a much deeper psychological connotation. If a constant feeling of being undeserving of your success nags you too, then you’re among the likes of Chuck Lorre (Big Bang Theory fame), Meryl Streep… and many other high achievers who suffer from the imposter syndrome.

On one hand, being a neurotic imposter can drive people to perform at the best of their ability. But it also signifies a feeling of incompetence that lurks in the background, which may sabotage the prospects of a thriving career. This is reason enough for managers to recognise early signs and help the confident achiever in you overcome the neurotic imposter. 
Neurotic imposters stand out by displaying very stereotypical behavioural traits.

• NIs are workaholics. They strive to achieve the unrealistic goals they set for themselves.
• They are perfectionists. This is the main reason behind them being less inclined to delegate tasks and often micromanage their team.
• They often cannot mentor. Their attitude to micromanage often gives an impression that they do not trust their team members.
• They ‘feel’ incompetent. They’re constantly plagued by a feeling of not living up to expectations.
• They often attribute their success to external factors, like luck. Therefore there is an evident lack of self-confidence.

It’s important to understand that the imposter syndrome develops with certain experiences. A neurotic imposter may have been bullied during childhood, or their abilities fell short before an advantaged rival. Feelings of insecurity may also creep in when people are promoted or trusted with a gamut of other responsibilities, triggered mostly by the fear of failure; the higher you climb, the scarier it gets. Whatever the reason, it’s important to nip the imposter syndrome in the bud.

The first step to remedying any condition is its identification. Now that you decided to continue reading further itself suggests that you may have associated with the condition. Here is a list of some simple strategies that can be employed to counteract the imposter syndrome.

Focus on the end result and communicate it: Don’t rush into things. Set some time aside to lay out a plan with the end result in mind and relay it to your team. Outline what you want and to what standard. There should be a dialogue which reveals what is realistically achievable and how.

Focus on your achievements: You might often feel that you mount up to nothing, especially when in reception of a negative feedback. This is the right time to muse over your past achievements and draw the drive to succeed from them. Negative feedbacks are constructive feedbacks often conveyed in the wrong words.

Allow yourself time to learn and apply what you learn: Every new opportunity is a chance to apply what you’ve learnt in the past and learn new things. Allow yourself the luxury of making mistakes. Remember you are a learner.

Set SMART goals: It is important to consider whether the goals you set are achievable.

Accept assistance: Part of this come from trusting in the abilities of your team members and delegating tasks that they can perform without having sleepless nights. This will also give a chance to your team members to learn something new. Et voila! You have a more effectual team.

Balance your work life: Teamwork is sharing of responsibility which does not disrupt work-life balance. Once realistic goals are set and tasks delegated, it’s easy and worthwhile to strike a balance between professional and personal lives.

Ask for feedback: Your superiors are not the only ones who are likely to give you feedback. Consider asking your subordinates for constructive feedback too. They might offer a whole new perspective on things that might surprise you.   

Take credit: As important as it is to give others credit for jobs done well, it is important to take credit for one’s achievements. What one accomplishes is a direct result of the effort one puts in. So give yourself a pat on the back sometimes; you’ve earned it.

Lastly, it’s important to understand that ridding yourself of the imposter syndrome is a process, and will require constant effort from your end. It requires you to change your perspective and know that you can’t control everything. Simultaneously, it should be an enjoyable journey; not a stressed achievement rampage. 

Lips Don’t Lie

When Scarlett O’Hara asked Mammy to make her a flattering dress out of the portieres, she had a very specific purpose in mind; to charm Rhett Butler. It’s a pity she didn’t use the lipstick instead.

The real reason behind a simple incident born in the thoughts of Margaret Mitchell in 1939, and was lost equally easily in the pages of ‘Gone with the Wind,’ was elaborated upon by a curious group of researchers almost seven decades later.

Amidst the 2008 recession when unemployment went through the roof and a great many companies, in almost all sectors, registered record plummeting of sales, one industry did not just stay afloat but actually saw an increase of almost 6% in sales. This was none other than the cosmetic titan, L’Oréal. Those who sat to speculate could not attribute L’Oréal’s success to any incredible business strategy; rather the answer came from evolutionary psychology, especially the mating psychology of women and may be, lies somewhere in our concept of beauty.

Make-up, especially lipstick, is not a vain modern invention. Tinting lips in face decoration has played a very important role in civilizations for thousands of years. Both men and women of the Ancient Sumerian civilization used gemstone powder, a luxury only the rich could afford, to tint lips in an attempt to attract the opposite sex; a very powerful emotion in evolutionary psychology of mankind.

Each civilisation has witnessed periods of abundance and scarcity alike. Where periods of abundance may trigger different mating patterns in humans, ferocious competition arises during scarcity. Beautification during scarcity was mainly to attract a resourceful mate. This principle pretty much holds true even today. Signs and symbols that were explicit in the ancient times may have been reduced to mere innuendoes as the world has progressed and has become more civilized, nonetheless, have not been wiped out and never will. Scarcity in the ancient world, which could be the times of famines or droughts, signified a man’s inability to provide food for his mate and offsprings. For single women, it also meant nonavailability of quality mates. So during these times, the efforts to attract a quality male partner are amplified. Today it entails unemployment or lack of monetary support and security that a man can provide, which is often the case during economic recessions.

‘The lipstick effect’ as it was termed, apparently had not occurred for the first time in 2008. During the Great Depression (1929-33) cosmetic sales rose while US industrial production was cut by 50%. All employees in Beiersdorf kept their jobs while unemployment was on the rise in Germany. Japan saw a 10% rise in the sales of accessories while the disposable income remained stagnant or has even reduced since 1997. Stock market investors can rest assured if they have invested in the cosmetics industry. This is a recession-proof industry; numbers don’t lie.

While the hypotheses itself falls short on the number of factors that are at play in the game of attraction; it does present an aspect of human behaviour and the primal instincts of homo sapiens. It articulates the importance of security needs which is pretty much ingrained in our DNA. 

Your true love is not on Tinder!

When a colleague narrated her successful ‘I-met-my-husband-online’ story to a mixed bunch of us, relationship status ranging from singles to complicated to married; I blurted out, “Girl, you were just among the lucky 8%.” The rest of the evening was a haze. Every time I passed a single, their eyes shot daggers at me.

My grandparents had had an arranged marriage; they lived happily until my granddad passed away. Not just them, I can cite a lot of examples from the greatest generation, the Baby Boomers, and the Gen X with the same success story. All these accounts however, share one thing in common; none of them happened online. In this advanced information age, however, love is just a click away, or so they say.

Pew Research Center reveals some startling statistics about marriage and relationship statuses. In 1960, 59% adults of marriageable age were married compared to just a 20% in 2011. 64% adults of marriageable age today are neither married nor living with a partner. There has also been a 0.3% decrease in the number of people having more than one sexual partner from 1988-96 to 2002-10.

It’s not that Millennials don’t want to get married (61% actually do want to get married someday) or do not value a lasting romantic relationship (8 out of 10 value a genuine relationship). To help this woebegone generation find love, there are about 3000 websites offering online dating services. And 1 in 5 adults actually makes use of these religiously. Then why do statistics indicate otherwise.

The answer is ‘Analysis Paralysis’.

Too many choices

According to Forbes, in US alone there are about 1000 new options for dating every year. That means 1 thousand more potential partners at any given time. Choices can be overwhelming and a thousand is a fairly large number. Psychology proves that the more options available for a given situation, the less likely it is to derive at a concrete conclusion and the more likely is the choice to go awry. Humans are subconsciously aware of this and therefore there is less effort to hold onto a relationship with a match found online. Hence, a rise in the number of short term relationships.

Selection criteria

In the real world, you decide whether you want a relationship with a person based on the how much you like them. In the virtual world, apart from an extraordinarily pretty profile picture, there are a myriad other criteria to consider; even favourite colour may serve as one.

                                                                Misrepresentation

There are many profiles present that are poles apart from the actual person. This can lead to serious misjudgement and even heartache for those who wear their heart on their sleeves. But who exactly, is to blame for this? Again, when dating online, people are at a loss of genuine human contact. They are choosy given the wide selection criteria and based on petty criterion, may write off a potential match as incompatible.

There may be someone better out there

There’s always a nagging feeling about the many potential matches out there that a person may miss out on once they've found someone reasonably compatible. This not only makes the current engagement a trial but also reduces the amount of effort they’d be ready to put into the relationship to make it work.  

Lastly, all the fuss about finding the 'right' match leads to stress and in many cases depression. It shouldn't come as a surprise that most Millennials have managed to stay out of serious relationships for so long, or use dating sites only for flings. If you find this piece of truth disturbing, then a sensible thing to do would be to get offline. Try the jogger's park or the library instead. There are more chances of getting connected with a soul mate here than anywhere online.

Is Intuitive Decision Making Hyped?

You wouldn’t have to think hard if I asked you to cite an instance when you took a split second decision without probing into the facts and it turned out to be spot-on. While the inability to produce a reason in this advanced evidential age could be particularly vexatious for your pragmatically driven mind, people still laud your exactitude. Well, you just knew.

You just know a business decision would turn out to be a disaster because of a clenched gut, or a hunch tells you that a prospective candidate would have personality clashes with other team members; or a sense of contentment that sets a long term friendship in motion. And yet, a majority of us ignore that bleak alarm that sets off in the back of our heads.  

Managers make decisions based on intuition almost on a daily basis; only this phenomenon is rarely acknowledged. When it comes to bigger, wider, and strategic decisions, there is heavy reliance on numbers and statistics, psychometric tests, and other scientific tools, which are not only time consuming but also bombard the decision maker with a lot of irrelevant information which may cloud the process or worse, inspire a wrong decision.  

Conversely, intuition is not characteristic of everyone alike. Secondly, it is important not to confuse a colleague’s influence, workplace power dynamics, or mere likeness towards a person as intuitive prompts. Besides, the accuracy of intuitive decisions is way more important than their frequency. Imagine if your were to justify an important business deal gone awry and you’d say you just knew?? Then, is it possible to rely solely on this holistic method of decision making as so many researches are advocating? Are women better intuitive decision makers than men? Should you be able to play chess like a grand master to be able to master the art of intuition. The answer to all these questions is ‘No’ and here’s why.

The more it is used, the better it gets; so does experience.

Intuitive advocates opine that to be able to make accurate decisions, you need to be more in tune with yourself; the more you listen to it, the clearer the voice gets. Decision making is more of a trial and error in the beginning. The more experience you have, the more you’ll understand where to look for loopholes. That scenario is anyway conducive to the accuracy of a decision.

The more quantifiable the outcome; the easier it is to predict.

Intuitive prediction cannot quantify outcomes. A product you’ve just invented has immense potential to take over the market.  But you can’t launch it just because you know it’ll work. You will need a thorough study of your target market and some numbers from the test launch to predict its sales potential.

You cannot know what you don't know.

The unconscious and subconscious minds are reservoirs of past experiences. Intuition draws on these experiences to be able to work. Therefore, decisions outside of familiar territory may not be accurate. 

Good decision making is an art. No one decision making technique can prove effective in all sorts of scenarios. Decision makers may need to concoct a recipe of various techniques to predict with precision. And as one of the great minds of our time said "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

Incompetent Boss Decoded

After a gap of almost 5 years, I recently got in touch with a former colleague, thanks to social media. We recalled our time working together and chatted about how our respective careers and families had kept us busy. After a tête-a-tête about life in general, we ended up talking about our work life. It’s inevitable not to; we spend half our lives at work. A mere hint at a boss and employee's volatile relationship probably hit a raw nerve; she exploded with antagonism. I let her vent her feelings out, then asked her what exactly frustrated her so much. She replied, 'He is so incompetent; just can’t do his job right….' The next interrogative uttered thoughtlessly in an attempt to hold the conversation, which I regretted almost immediately, set her off again.

She was overworked, sandwiched between deadlines; and above all, micromanaged. ‘Is your company expanding? Maybe everyone’s overworked,’ I tried to appease her. 'No', she retorted, ‘he simply doesn't know how to do stuff.’

Most of us would identify with her. Every once in a while we come across supervisors who seem incompetent. Although ‘incompetence’ is a very harsh word, we hurl it at anyone who seems to fail at their job. I would rather say unskilled. Incompetence is relative; Skills are integral. Where technical and transferable skills can be honed further, personal skills are mostly inherent.

Having an unskilled boss isn't exactly a bad thing unless of course they suffer from the Dunning-Kruger effect. Let’s examine the three categories of unskilled bosses, and what can be done about it.

Technical Skills

Take the IT sector as an example. The information age has advanced by leaps and bounds in the last two decades. Most employees who began as individual contributors some fifteen years ago are now in middle and high ranking positions. The technology they last worked on is either dead or has undergone an unrecognisable facelift. Besides, once the roles change from technical to managerial, it is hard to keep abreast with the ongoing market currencies.

What you can do: Take charge! Such supervisors are more common than you’d think. When a technically less skilled but receptive supervisor is paired with a technically skilled team, it’s a win-win situation for all.  The work environment is progressive and there is something for everyone to learn.

Transferable Skills

These skills range from hard skills like simply being able to operate MS Office to soft skills like being a good communicator. Most of the supervisors who lack transferable skills have most likely not stayed very long in a single organisation or have been there for far too long.

What you can do: Buckle up to produce 16-hrs. of work in half the time. You will most likely not be given credit for the copious amount of work that you accomplish on a daily basis, but it’s a great opportunity to learn as much as possible. It’s an opportunity to pro-actively take responsibility for tasks that are not listed in your job description, empower your profile and make a move to a better opportunity, internally or externally.

Personal Skills

These are indispensable in any work scenario.  Even the most expendable individual contributor is expected to have at least some personal skills in order to coexist and work effectively in an organisation. People with exceptional personal skills coupled with the right technical skills and relevant experience are mostly well liked and climb the corporate ladder much faster than others. Look up some prominent leaders. They all have one thing in common; they are charismatic and adept orators. Skills like teamwork, ability to trust and motivate others, patience, empathy, and good communication skills are only to name a few. However, these skills are mostly inherent or honed over a long period of time. The more you rub shoulder with the right influencers, the more you will cultivate your personal skills.

What you can do: Take the initiative to communicate from your end. Request regular catch-ups with your supervisor. Being detailed and prepared before any meeting would be an ideal thing to do. Ask for one-on-one feedback sessions intermittently. If you are confronted with an issue, the exigency of which doesn't seem to sink in with your boss, be patient and present your explanation in a discussion. Work on your emotional quotient; it’s imperative when dealing with unreceptive and unresponsive supervisors.

The image of a perfect boss is an illusion. Imperfection provides a lot of room for people to learn new skills and progress in their careers. It’s important to understand that most of these shortcomings aren't deliberate. They are a part of their personalities or projections of their deepest insecurities.

I kept thinking about my friend’s incompetent boss long after our conversation. It’s evidence enough of our narrow outlook and how often we term the poor fish incompetent based on its ability to climb a tree. 

Procrastination: My Friend, Philosopher, and Guide

Working as a desk editor for a quarterly academic journal is a tough task to begin with. Days would fly by while I'd be buried in a deluge of potential papers, meticulously reviewing those that would grace our peer reviewed journal. This and apart from liaising with internal and external contributors, overseeing the release of journal issues, and handling print and distribution; one of my less weighted KPIs was to author and publish two research papers.

It was quite an 'achievable' goal according to my employer despite posing a slight risk of me churning out two indiscriminate research papers, coupled with the imminent delay of one of the four issues by two weeks or more. Instead, I chose to release four timely issues and produced only one yet an exemplary paper.

The verdict: found guilty of procrastination. I could have and I should have.

As for me, it meant examining where I went wrong, or did I.

A procrastinator is a problem child of today's mass producing organisations. Ask a typical 'boss', and they'll present a zillion arguments in favour of 'un-procrastinising' employees' outlook towards work. The bottom line, Get as many things as possible done! No Questions Asked!

We all procrastinate once in a while for all sorts of reasons. There are two types of procrastinators, active and passive. If you've just put off a task to read this post instead, then the good news is that you're an active procrastinator. A passive procrastinator would be comfortably settled somewhere, doing what they do best: nothing.

Time is a luxury that most managers cannot afford given the pace at which today's organisations function. Needless to say that the constant flow of copious amount of information impedes the decision making process. Frank Partnoy’s book, Wait, mentions how the top executives of Lehman Brothers attended a seminar on ‘quick decision-making’ just before taking the most crucial financial decisions in 2005. The rest is history.

So, here’s why practising procrastination, may very well prove to be a virtue than what’s always otherwise been said about it.

1. Sets priorities

It allows time to the decision maker to understand which tasks are important.

2. Obliterate redundancies

If a process is followed, ask how important each step is? Will a certain task contribute towards the final goal or can the process be sped up by skipping it.

  

3. Begets quality; not quantity

Quality takes time. Ideas take time to develop. You may not be done and dusted with a 100% of the tasks on your to-do list, but the end result is sure to pass quality control without a glitch. Procrastination is quality assurance.

4. Leads to Creativity

Sleep on it. Sometimes the most obvious yet creative ideas dawn when least expected. That's the beauty of the subconscious mind. Delaying a crucial decision to its deadline is an ideal thing to do as it gives managers a 360 degree view or even come up with creative solutions to problems.

5. Gets things done

When you don't feel like doing something, the smaller, more mechanical and less cognitive tasks should take priority. They are reprieve juxtaposed with contemplation. As a result, more things get done.

6. Helps in taking better and well-informed decisions

Having a panoramic view of a problem is important when challenged with crucial decisions. It gives decision makers an insight into the influencers and their effects. Procrastination definitely helps in clearing the clutter, retaining what's relevant and taking calculated decisions.

7. To consider options

There is no one solution to any problem. The key is to have enough time to identify those options.

8. People who know they perform better under pressure

Then there are some of us who need the adrenaline rush in order to perform to our highest capabilities.

9. Reduces stress levels significantly

When situations are perceived to be daunting, more preparation time is a dream come true. It allows comprehension of the nature of the problem and its consequences. It is a coping mechanism and clears the haze caused by anxiety most of the times.

10. Procrastinating helps with the identity that you may want to create

And last, often true; rarely acknowledged. In professions where being on time is a vice, and may raise questions on character, procrastination is a mandatory practice. For example, academics. It was founded and operates on the psyche of assuming that you may have had less work if you were on time and vice versa. The notion of efficiency never occurs to anyone as a first instinct.  

The write-up may sound implicitly confessional but is in the least bit so. Procrastination has its own downsides and I'll come up with those in time.

Letting Them Go

Parenting is an easy task. Good parenting doesn't exactly fit in the category of easy tasks. Most couples enter this new phase with a preconceived set of notions. There are books available that are again born out of the unique experiences and issues that people face everyday in order to give these new breed of parents a chance at excelling at this daunting task. There is no 'one size fits all'. Whilst there is a lot of help available on how and what we should teach our children, there is absolutely no literature available that tells parents how much or what they may learn; nothing that would tell them or give them an inkling about how they would need to learn to let go.

One afternoon, my mother came back from work and saw me running around the house, collecting stuff. A suitcase lay open half filled with my clothes. I dumped the things I had in my hand in the suitcase and dashed out of the room for another round. She was flabbergasted for a few moments, trying to grasp the status-quo. When she found her voice, she posed the question. "What's happening? Where are you going?" I did not reply the first time, thinking, calculating, trying to carve out a defence argument if she says the dreaded word, 'No'. She put her bag down on a table and started following me around the house. She forgot how hungry and tired she was. All she wanted to know was where am I planning to go.

When I dumped the last set of things in the suitcase and was convinced that I had enough clothes and toiletries to last for the next twelve days. I turned to her and said, "I have to go to a camp I have volunteered for and it begins in precisely 2 hours."

She was looking at me with large questioning eyes and I saw she was struggling to find words.
"Where is it being held?" I told her the address. "For how many days?" I said 12. Her eyes widened. "You should wait for your dad and ask for his permission."

"Mom, no, I'm not waiting for him to be back. I have given my word and I have to report in 2 hours." I bet she hadn't seen this coming when she allowed her 13 year old daughter to enrol in the military cadet corps. I could see she was thinking hard. For what seemed like a few moments, she asked, "Am I allowed to come and see you?" I hugged her tight, "Yes, you can. Every evening."

I don't know if she realised it then or not that she had just crossed a huge milestone in her journey as a parent. She had learnt to think beyond the age old question that gnaws at every mother's heart. Will my children be safe? She had learnt to let her little baby girl go.

No guide on parenting has ever mentioned it; a lesson that my mother and countless other parents learn everyday only by experience- You will have to let your children go. One day, you will have to stop protecting them and let them learn to live by themselves. You will have to let them spread their wings if you want to see them soar. 

Be Selfish, Be Happy

Being a woman is not easy. Before you form an opinion about me or what you are about to read, I want to tell you that I'm in the least bit feminist.

So, yes, being a woman is not easy. We grow up causing our guardians to live under a cloud of uncertainty. They empower us with education but have no say when it comes to us making a choice to continue with our careers or invest that time in bringing up our families. If we do choose to be work women, we still have to shoulder great responsibility at home and practically speaking, this responsibility is seldom shared. Because, well, we have working partners or spouses. 

Anyway, I don't know if you are beginning to see my point here. We are conditioned to place ourselves in the second place. We are taught from the very first conscious thought to accommodate others first. Any instrument of self expression, be it a career you are passionate about, or a hobby you may want to pursue; your simple likes and dislikes even when it comes to what's-there-for-dinner take a back seat if they interfere with the routines and choices of those who matter in your lives. We are expected to act selflessly. But does this make us happy human beings? Does this make us happy women?

A selfless act once in a while is good. But what if you have to act selflessly at almost every instance in your life. I have heard many women fret and complain about the selfless acts they have been performing everyday and how unimportant they felt. So, here's a piece of advice exclusively for all my dear female counterparts. Be Selfish!

Don't wait for people to respect you. Command it!

One night, I was too brain-dead, fagged out, and in no mood to cook a meal. Copy editors too get tired; reading crap the whole day is no piece of cake. I knew my husband had had a busy week too. At dinner time, when he asked what was there for dinner, I told him I was in no mood. That night he cooked a delicious gourmet meal for us. It was a good break from the kitchen for me and a great stress relieving activity for him. 

It is a very small incident but the implication is huge. It is the right to say 'No' to things you don't want to do and people respecting you enough to accept it; no questions asked. 

Voice your opinion 

Having a firm commitment to what you believe in is an intricate part of who you are and what others make of you. If you like or dislike something, assert your opinion even if it does not align with that of others'. But then again, it was never meant to be. You are unique. It only shows that you are an important individual and know what you want. Give yourself importance, the world will follow.

Take time out

That's a difficult one for all the home makers out there who go with the flow in their respective homes. Take time out to do things you like to do. Don't shrink your personal time because it clashes with the routine of your family. Spending time alone and being in tune with your inner self is important. 

Pamper yourself

Yes, you are an marvellous creation and you deserve a bit of pampering. People will respect you more if you take care of yourself. They derive conclusions about how you expect to be treated by the way you present yourself. 

Create

Do what makes you happy. Have a activity or a hobby you can excel at. Create something without looking for approval from others. 

You are solely responsible for your happiness

Above all, the responsibility of your happiness lies with you. Make yourself a priority. You are the only one who can bear the emotional burden of keeping yourself happy. 

Find happiness in the little things that you, as an individual would like to do. The happier you are, the more you will love yourself, the lesser regrets you will have in life, and the better you will be able to care for your family. Now, that's a win-win situation.

10 Things to do Before a Baby Rocks Your World

So, you've come out victorious in answering the most enervating question of life: to commit or not to commit. And now you intend to spend your life with that special someone. Marriage is a big change and it may take a good few years to even get used to the idea. But as soon as you think you're getting there, people, especially you know who, start bombarding you with questions about your intentions to expand as a family. If you’re nodding your head in agreement, rest assured, you’re not alone.

As women, we know that sooner or later our maternal instincts shall kick in. The miniature version of you, with the pitter-patter of tiny feet, incessant and incoherent babble, food smeared pout, and chubby cheeks, sounds uber cute but is an energy sucker to a behemothic degree. This is change in its profound sense. The other things that come along with parenting will suck-up most of your energy and your couple-time will either shrink infinitesimally or cease to exist altogether. With babies comes routine, which isn’t always good for adults. Often a feeling of emptiness creeps in throwing the emotional state of couples out of whack.

So, here is my concise list of things you can do now to make this time together the most fulfilling experience. 

It takes two to Tango

Allegorically speaking, tango for beginners is marriage in the fast forward mode. Stepping on each other’s feet, losing balance and supporting each other, rocking in tune and trusting enough to fall into each other's arms. It builds trust and prepares couples for the support they’ll need from each other. Besides, tango is sexy. Full-stop.

Go backpacking

Ladies, this is the time to prove to your partner that you can read maps. Jokes apart, this is a revelatory experience. It gives couples a deep insight into each other’s capacity to hold on in tough situations, their resourcefulness and the ability to take the lead.  

Cook together

This is by far the most fulfilling experience for me. While crafting a culinary masterpiece every time they step into the kitchen may not be the strong point of many partners/spouses, cooking meals together strengthens couples as a team. It instils the feelings of acceptance and appreciation for each other. You can do it even when the new member joins your camp, but things are going to be super-duper messy.  

Go for long drives

Going for long drives without a destination in mind is a great way to unwind and let go off things. Apart from being fun, following the road is a reminder to take things as they come. Often we worry a lot about the future which makes parenting more stressful. This activity will remind you to enjoy the journey.

Buy a House

House hunting is an exhausting process. Nonetheless, it’s worth investing time and money before you add more members to your family. The feeling of having a place you can call your own is second to nothing. It gives couples space to spread their legs and stimulates creative thought. Besides, you don't want to be moving houses with a baby on board.  

Take a vacation to an exotic locale

Go for a second honeymoon. And if your financial situation permits, a third and a fourth. Surround yourself with natural beauty. There is nothing more romantic than taking a long walk along the beach hand-in-hand, or having a candle light dinner in an exotic location. It'll be a long while until you can have all that time to yourself. 

Have a common friend circle

It is important to have a robust support system outside of your immediate family. Have common friends of all age groups from different stage of life, even empty nesters. Firstly, it is easier to share things with friends that we mostly wouldn't share with our next of kin. Secondly, it is a chance for couples to learn about relationships and parenting, vicariously. And as they fulfil your support needs, you can have a chance to do the same for them along the way. 

Don’t buy a car; buy a Campervan

Yes, you read it; A Campervan. Ditch the comfort of your couch for a month and live off the road; work can wait. You will come back tanned and ugly but a brand new person. And who knows how long until you hit the road again?

Be involved in each other's passion

I live and breathe books. Written word is to me as a screwdriver drill is to my husband. We understand that. We have regular trips to book stores and warehouses and influence each other's decisions for the better. As important as it is to give each other space to pursue your respective passions, it is important to be involved in it, even if all you can do is offer a dilettante's perspective. It is a great way to empower each other. 

Financial independence and stability

This is a very powerful position to be in. Women may want to continue to work or be stay-at-home mums to take care of their little one/s. Being financially independent gives the power of choice to women. Financial stability will pay your bills while you enjoy motherhood and will alleviate the burden on your partners so that they can enjoy parenting as much as you will.   

Finding a Balance

For years I had been taught that for a relationship to be lasting and fulfilling, I’d have to be generous beyond my comfort zone. Maintaining healthy relationships does take some effort and I might have to be on the giving end quite often to be accepted and loved. It’s only after I got married, I realised that I couldn't have been more wrong.

Marriage was synonymous with change for me. It meant I had to completely strip myself off my old self and be a brand new me. I was an independent woman and had never stepped into the kitchen apart from the times I had to fix myself some instant noodles. I liked to sleep in on holidays and pamper myself. I had a head on my shoulders and held my own unbiased opinions about the world around me.

All that changed after marriage with a lot of effort on my part. I started spending time in the kitchen trying to create things that would please my new family. I used to be up early regardless of the time I had hit the sack, a habit that would make my new family accept and love me. I had things taken care of before they even thought about it. I showered them with gifts every now and then. I tried to accept traditions that made my new family happy regardless of my own likes and dislikes. And since I was putting in so much effort, I did expect some appreciation in return.

The time I had for myself soon dwindled to a few minutes a day. I gave up reading, a passion since childhood, simply because there was no more time. A day of never-ending domestic chores, being over-accommodating, and always nodding in agreement out of the fear of offending someone, was enough to suck all energy out of me.

Soon discontentment settled it. I was in constant battle with myself to stop nodding at things I did not believe in. I craved for more personal time to get back in tune with myself. My body was demanding more rest. I desperately wanted to be me again. 

Time passed and people forgot all the gifts and the good things I'd done. My obligation to do what I thought was expected of me was misunderstood as a belittling act. My exercising caution to keep away from sensitive family issues was taken to be dis-involvement and indifference. I faced frequent criticism over my culinary skills and I was constantly dealing with snide remarks instead of the appreciation I had expected for all my services. Yet, I absorbed everything negative, never venting it out. I spent sleepless nights rewinding the incidents and thinking where I went wrong or what I should have said or done. I was in a pitiable state and a feeling of being victimised began gnawing at me.  I couldn't quite understand where it had all gone wrong. I was doing my job, but there was no result, no appreciation, no acceptance; only judgement. And so, I ruminated on this problem often, reliving all the hurt, refusing to let go off the baggage.

And then one day, everything came crashing down. I had been too much on the giving end for too long and had exhausted myself out. A war of words broke out, flared by my incapability of expressing my true feelings and their incapacity to understand it.

It was only after a year that it dawned on me what had gone wrong. I had felt unappreciated, that was my part of the problem; the other part was that others had always been on the receiving end. They had the need to be appreciated too, which I had failed to fulfil. That’s when I switched sides and put myself on the receiving end doing my bit whenever required and allowing myself the luxury of not always being perfect. 

Miraculously, things changed for the better. I realised that simple things like appreciating my mother-in-law for something she had cooked would have worked; only that she would have had to fight her way through my excessively accommodating nature to receive that appreciation. Or I would have thanked my father-in-law for a lift, had I not been awfully concerned about the inconvenience it would cause him. All these were missed opportunities. 

A relationship is a balance between giving and receiving and no relationship with an imbalance of these two elements can survive and thrive. Though, the wounds of the past have left their mark, I guess I'd just bank on time to do what it does best; heal.

The Bully's Side of the Story

I don't watch Britain's Got Talent regularly but whenever I've had a chance to, couldn't help but notice that apart from Simon's eye rolls one thing has been recurrent; bully victims.

Many people have come up and confessed they have been bullied at some point, which being so rampant in the western society slightly programs the audience and judges to be more sympathetic and consequently more supportive towards them. And why not? I was a victim myself at a very tender age of 5 years. I don't remember much of school that year, only the agony and the daily battle of making up my mind to get up, dress up and show up for another day of abuse and exploitation. I kept quiet for a long time but my parents started noticing that I was returning with lost items everyday without an explanation. They did what had to be done. My bully left school at the end of that academic year. I don't know what became of her. But I do remember her name and will always do.

Bullying has serious repercussions for the victim. It is a drastic blow to ones self esteem which leads to depression, anxiety and countless other psychological and physical issues. The self esteem of the victims is so botched that it's hard for them to muster up the guts to stop being victimized at every point in life. After my stint with a bully, I had no school friends for almost two years. I admit I still have trouble making friends, maintaining lasting friendships without my immediate family or even striking a casual conversation. According to CDC, bullying is the third leading cause of all suicides every year and has been on the rise in the last few decades. Some victims resort to bullying others in order to vent out their anger, boost self worth and feel respected again. Hence more victims and more bullies.

But while our heart goes out to the victims, we totally tend to disregard the psychology and background of the bully. Bullying is not genetic or an inherited trait but rather a developed proclivity owing to one's circumstances; family structure, culture, social and peer pressure etc. Although the fact is that bullies sprout from all economic levels and sociocultural backgrounds regardless of age, the contribution of the family institution is indisputable. Children who do not receive the much needed attention, respect as an individual and acceptance at home, their very first social school, seek it elsewhere through various means, hence the birth of a bully.

It may sound very idealistic but the changing dynamics in the family structure (single parents, both working or same sex parents) has a much greater impact on children than we can imagine. Children derive their sense of security from their mothers and identity from their fathers. A prolonged loss of contact or complete absence of either of the two may wreak havoc on the sociopsychological development of children.

Most educational institutions have clearly spelled out the ramifications such behaviour may have yet it grows unhindered when victims are confronted by bullies covertly in dorms or bathrooms or virtual environments. If we want to put a check on this growing issue, we need to begin at home. We need to instill a sense of acceptance in children, teach them to be empathetic and not crave for control that the media so audaciously promotes. More importantly, we need to give them time and an opportunity to express themselves so that their negative feelings do not fester for a long time and then are vented out in the most cruelest form possible. 

Time to fight 'Pinkified Toy Blues'

Our world and attitudes are shaped by the most trivial decisions we make in our daily lives. Some of the lessons learnt subconsciously inspired by our simplest decisions may take a lifetime for us to unlearn. The most common is the realization of the concept of gender roles in children at a very tender age when they are blissfully oblivious of societal dynamics.

Children are not born with a preexisting gender identity.  They gradually acquire it via socialization with their surroundings and beings. At a tender age of 1-2 years, they learn most of the things by observation, social interaction and imitation. By this time, they develop gender identity and by ages 3 and 4, have pretty set standards about the two genders, their roles, dressing, attitudes and attributes. Adults have preferences that they try to project on children, like what and whom to play with. When we prefer a girl child to play with girls only and with a certain type of toys, we already begin invoking in her the attributes that her gender role in future will require.

Gender consciousness has become more prominent though in the last couple of decades. During 1980s, children would play with gender neutral toys. Today the toy companies wouldn't let them even if they'd want to. Have you noticed these things when you walk into a toy store?

• Two prominently bifurcated sections: Girls and Boys
• Pink, white and purple is for girls; blue and black for boys
• Iron man is for boys; barbie for girls
• Workbench tool set in the boys section; nail art and hairstyling kits in girls' 

Toys are an essential part of childhood. Apart from being fun and games, certain toys are helpful in developing cognitive and motor skills in children. These are toys that both girls and boys should play with. As the standard of living has risen, more children have their say when toys are being purchased. And keeping this trend in mind, toy companies have employed a new manipulative marketing strategy which genders toys, completely ignoring the fact that children have unique personalities and choices. Stereotyping toys for girls and boys will only crush these unique personalities and widen the gender inequality gap that we have been trying to fill for decades now. Doesn't it sound like one step forward, two steps back!

Secondly, something as harmless as toys can have lasting effects on children's psyche, now when they are exposed to non-conformist lifestyles like homosexuality, bisexuality, transgenders and the ever fading line between gender specific roles in the labour market. Is this the advent of identity crisis? The birth of a lost generation. A generation fearing to express itself out of the fear of being laughed at or isolated because they prefer different things from the majority. A generation that stops itself to rise above their gender roles merely because it isn't deemed in the right light by the society. A restricted and oppressed generation.

The status quo however has not gone unnoticed thanks to campaigns like 'Let toys be toys' and 'Pinkstinks'. These campaigns throughout Europe have urged mega conglomerates and retailers to stop labeling toys as gender specific. Similar petitions are underway in Australia where parents are asking retailers to stop marketing certain toys as girls or boys only.

That's at the macro level. What can we do at the micro level depends on how fast we stop projecting ourselves on the next generation. The least we can do is buy them gender-neutral gifts that do not shove them into the social gender essentialism maze. It's time to listen to their personalities, give them space to develop and not crush them under the roles they ought to be playing in future. If we want gender inequality and all crimes associated with it to be a thing of the past, we'll have to start from the start.

The Surgical Pursuit of Beauty

Have you ever wondered what the world would look like if everyone looked alike???
Well... have a look at the contestants. This will give you a fair idea.

Miss Korea 2013 contestants- Spot the difference!

I have been reading about this a lot these days... not that I deliberately read about plastic surgery, it just is all over. Celebrities who have undergone the knife to improve (or sometimes botch) their looks and bodies or denying any apparent procedure at all are always making news. Every page has before-and-after pics of them pointing differences (as if that was necessary).

Having lived in Thailand, I was aware of the Thai fascination for western looks and colour. You could tell by the number of whitening lotions that graced the shelves of retail stores and the use of heavy make-up and diet pills to achieve the desired look; a slim figure, light eyes, skin and hair, slim nose and oval/heart shaped face. But I guess it's a pan south east Asian trend now.

If we talk about numbers, definitely US tops the chart, but if we consider rates relative to population, South Korea leaves everyone way behind. The reason is the underlying conviction that beautiful people are wired for success and attract all things better in life. For most South Koreans surgery is a passport to finding a better and high paying job, husband from the high echelons of society or merely being accepted and treated better in the society. A bizarre yet a painful truth for most SE Asian cultures. Japan too is in the race coming up with outlandish products as cheap substitutes for surgery as not everyone may be able to afford it. The senior market (men and women hitting mid-life crisis) around the world is also growing by leaps and bounds, sometimes for clinical reasons and sometimes behind the smokescreen of boosting ones fragile self esteem. Surgery is so rampant now that countries like Korea and Thailand are heavily cashing on their medical tourism and why not?

Nose Shaper: to be worn 20 mins/day for effective results

A double eyelid creater

Humans are visual beings. Agreed. They are attracted to all things beautiful. Agreed. Yet it is sad to see how the concept of beauty is narrowing down to one single checklist. I am not personally against surgical procedures to enhance looks but I wouldn't trade my features for a set standard in beauty.

Our world is full of diversity. Every living creature has its own identity. The beauty of our world lies in it's differences, not uniformity. The point is that diversity begets the possibility of an adventure of stumbling upon something new and beautiful in its own way. The fascination of different yet beautiful people and cultures makes our human experience worthwhile. The absence of this fascination would only turn us into robots with no zeal and longing for the magic of the unseen and unexpected... What would be the point? It's all the same.

A Lesson in Grooming

I was in my early twenties and it was 2009, the recession. Just finishing college, I was trying to make the best of an opportunity as a PR I was lucky enough to find. Since it was a small company, we strived hard to maintain a media presence. For one such event, a press conference, I was incessantly networking with the most influential in the art world of Bangkok.

As a PR this was my big day. I was a student with a student's wardrobe (if you know what I mean...) and no make-up barring a lip gloss. To prepare, I shopped for a perfect (or that's what I thought...) pair of grey trousers, a nice black top and a blazer to finish the look. The next morning, satisfied with my look, I started for the venue where my employer had already reached and was giving finishing touches to the set up. I knew she'd be happy and surprised by my professional turnout and boy oh boy, surprised she was.

What happened at the press conference is a distant memory. Everything was over in no time. How I packed up and came home remains a mystery to me; I have no memory of it. All I remembered was the reaction and comment of my employer. I remember her looking up at me, smile deserting her face, her scuttle towards me and her callous pull at my arm. I remember her, telling me that I make her look bad. Why couldn't I spend some time on myself? Why didn't I wear a skirt? (weird but true...it's a Thai thing) For God's sake... I was the PRO!!! I represent her in the media... Why didn't I groom myself? Why couldn't I look my best?

Another look in the mirror and a different perspective cleared the haze. I wasn't my best. I looked like a timid person with low self esteem. I didn't love myself enough to groom myself. How would anyone entrust a dismal being with the image of their company? The thought stuck with me.

No, I wasn't fired but realised that dressing and grooming are the most pronounced forms of self expression. How one presents oneself is a subtle display of ones personality traits, positive and negative.They are the giveaways of our deepest feelings and misgivings. Whether you are complacent or a go-getter, it will be reflected in the way you dress and groom. It is a subconsciously acknowledged fact that people who dress and groom well exude confidence, have high self esteem and climb the success ladder faster than those who don't. They have a sense of self efficacy and self-sufficiency. And it's not just professional success that makes grooming important. People who take care of themselves are better caretakers too. Confident people are able to maintain healthy relationships as they can voice their opinion and hold a regard for others simultaneously. Confident people trust themselves and therefore are capable of trusting others.

Lastly, beauty attracts beauty. While we all have different perceptions of beauty; to me it simply means being at your best. I can write and write about grooming and turn this article into a thesis and I'm tempted to include a gamut of topics about grooming here, but some other time.... :)